How many times will they try to beat us into submission before they see it doesn’t work?

It’s bad enough that I have to delete some 200 spams a day from my email inboxes…that I get at least 10 junk calls every week from robots, and another 5 or so from poorly trained humans…that I have to spend my precious time flushing spams out of the moderation queues on my WordPress sites.

It is absolutely unacceptable that today, not only did I get two bounce messages from Russia for emails I never sent, I actually got a robocall (about lowering my credit card rate) that showed up with my own name and number on caller ID!

I was among the first to sign up for the do-not-call list. I moderate my website comments, so no junk gets through. And I value my reputation to the point where if I could figure out how to track and report these scum who are trashing my good name pretending to be me, I would make things very ugly for them.

Attention spammers: if you think I will *ever* do business with someone who not only forces unwanted (and often-deceptive) intrusions on me, but actually forges my name to the attempt, you are sorely mistaken. To paraphrase Phil Ochs, “Stupid spammer, find another planet to be part of!” And in the meantime, at least get me OFF your list!

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If you get a note like this and wonder, where do I know this person from–you don’t.

When are these jerks going to realize that the Internet is a powerful way to make an honest living and they don’t have to stoop to these ridiculous frauds?

Hi shel I know you were expecting to hear back from me much earlier but I didn’t want to get back to you empty-handed. I finally found the perfect stock for you and I am confident that it will make you some serious profit. Remember the one I told you about in November of last year right? You did very well on it and I think this [TICKER SYMBOL REMOVED TO AVOID PUBLICIZING IDIOTS] stock will do the same for your portfolio again. I have to let you know though that I’m not the only one who found out about [TICKER SYMBOL REMOVED] today. A few of my colleagues are aware as well and they are telling their friends and family about it so I must advise you to move fast if you want to buy it. I think it’s trading at just around 15 cents right now, if you wait too long it might be at 30 or even higher and at that time I won’t be able to safely advise you to buy it. You can buy as many shares as you can first thing at market open on Friday or worst case scenario buy it on Monday but move fast. I know you don’t care about what the company does because you know I’ve done all the due diligence for you already but [TICKER SYMBOL REMOVED] is actually amazing and I think it will do much better than even the one I told you about a few months ago. One of the company’s divisions offers mobile software solutions for the gaming industry. The mobile apps allow customers to play lottery and other games of chance and skill on their smartphones. The software is extremely advanced and could be the backbone of all mobile casinos in the future. It is expected that the US will legalize online gaming in the near future and this could catapult [TICKER SYMBOL REMOVED] to new highs however even without that the company’s software is extremely valuable in the rest of the world and could become extremely profitable. Something big is definitely brewing at the company. I heard something about buy out rumors but I don’t have all the details yet I will keep you posted over the coming days or weeks. Anyway I won’t bore you with much more blabber, but if you have a second do check out [TICKER SYMBOL REMOVED]. By the way I will be expecting a nice gift from you once you make fat bank on this one and a nice dinner with the wives is in order. It’s been too long since we last spent a good evening over a bottle of wine. I was going to call you to tell you about [TICKER SYMBOL REMOVED] but I figured youre probably asleep now with those crazy shifts you’ve been working. Take care and call me if there’s anything. Talk soon Your favorite friend and only broker 🙂

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There was a note on my contact form today that I was 98% sure was junk mail…but it touted a legitimate product (NOT sex, drugs, or casinos), was hand-posted to my contact form, and had a gmail address—so in case it fell into the other two percent, this is what I wrote:

Are you asking for help with marketing this product, or simply spamming my contact form? If the latter, I strongly suggest you NEED help with your marketing, as spam makes enemies, not sales.

Let me know if you want information on my marketing services.
Not that I really expect to hear back from her (or necessarily even want her as a marketing client)—but it was an interesting exercise that took under 1 minute. Of course, now I’m spending ten minutes blogging about it–but I get new content out of the deal.
Yes, spammers are potentially a target audience for legitimate and ethical marketing consultants like me. But in most cases, they would be difficult clients to attract, totally clueless, not likely to pay real money, and not necessarily the best clients to work with. And I’ve got plenty of clients I enjoy working with.
So why did I bother? I don’t know; something about this particular note called out for a response. Maybe this is the one in ten million who is educatable? Anyway, it felt soooo good to write that second sentence.
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But why would you want to? If you want to market dishonestly, the person you’re really fooling is yourself. Because it is not effective in the long run, and the long run is what builds a business.

Two examples:

The Secret Spammer

Someone posted this on a LinkedIn discussion today:

 The promotion plan used by [company name] works very well. [company URL]

Always on the lookout for good resources for myself and my clients, I clicked through. First thing I saw was the same guy’s picture, so this was not exactly an unbiased recommendation. And then after clicking in a couple of pages, I found this:

The email blast and daily email advertising to 4 million recipients will cost you only $35 for a lifetime membership. (not included in the package) However, you will learn how to use emailing effectively, what company or companies to use, and how to effectively send email ads.

4 million e-mails a day over multiple days? If that’s not spam, I don’t know what is.  There’s no way this list is targeted, and there’s no way it will help the reputation of any product associated with it. So I responded:

I am sorry, but I looked at your site, Fred (and it would be nice if you were more up front about your relationship to it)–you’re going to send 4 million e-mails for an author? That is SPAM–a wretched curse on the planet. It makes everything else you offer to do suspect.

I have a section in one of my books called “Spam–the newbies’ natural mistake.” You’re not a newbie, though. The site is professionally designed and convincing on first glance. So you know better. Why are you doing this?

If you use sleazy, illegal, unpleasant tactics, that’s how people will think of your book. I will NOT be recommending this one to my clients.

The Bait-and-Switch Home Contractor

A few months ago, I bought a Groupon from a heating-duct cleaning service. But when the technician arrived, he told me the $69 duct cleanout was only good if I first signed up for a $1900 heating system overhaul. No upgrade? Then no work.

This is dumb on so many levels! First of all, you never require an upsell. That’s called bait-and-switch, and is illegal, for good reason. Second, if you try to upsell somebody, your offer should be in tune with the original price. so maybe you offer a $99 or $109 upgrade to your $69 original offer. You’re not going to get many takers if your upsell is 27.53 times the original price, pushing it from two figures to four. Third, if you want to sell someone something 27 times the original price, you need to build trust and show you’re capable of the small stuff. And fourth, if you’re using an outside lead generation system (in this case, Groupon), you don’t want to piss them off. I am sure I am not the only one who got a full credit of my $69 from Groupon, which offers a satisfaction guarantee. How willing will Groupon be to ever work with this company again if some huge percentage of sales have to be refunded?

As Abraham Lincoln allegedly said, “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.”

And as I say, “if you build a business by fooling people, the worst fool is yourself.”

In my latest book, Guerrilla Marketing Goes Green: Winning Strategies to Improve Your Profits and Your Planet, I talk at some length about long-term customer relationships—how they are key to repeat business, and how repeat customers are five to ten times more profitable than using traditional marketing to bring in new customers. If you have to keep dredging the lakes for people you haven’t ripped off yet, your business is not sustainable.

So, for both ethical and practical reasons, do the right thing and don’t be like either of those fools I cited.

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Actual submission from my contact form today:

subject = Resume Services
realname = REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY
position =
Company = SEO Company
Add1Street = 224 Lawrence Road
Add2City = New York
Add2State = New York
Add2Zip = 11111
Add2Country = USA
phone = 000-000-0000
email = REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY
comments =
Internet Marketing Services

We would like to get your website on first page of Google.

All of our processes use the most ethical “white hat” Search Engine Optimization techniques that will not get your website banned or penalized.

Please reply and I would be happy to send you a proposal.

Excuse me, but just how is spamming my contact form (and with fake contact info, no less) a white-hat approach?

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